Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She told me I should be a condom model.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
