Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
