i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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