Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
