I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
