I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
