I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?