my sisters under your porch take her home
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia