She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
She bit a glass in half.
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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?