there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dear god my vagina.
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