how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
where are you?
Hypothermia
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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