oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
