i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
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Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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