He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
