Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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