Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order