i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
