Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
