Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
