Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You're like the curious george of whores
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
