Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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