Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
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It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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