I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
