Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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