everyone is single if you try hard enough
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I spit up blood this morning
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.