My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...