The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass