I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.