I wish my penis had an off switch
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
