You smell like a Billy Joel song
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
