Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
