Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
