On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
