2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
