3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?