dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis