she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......