Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
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Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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