Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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