Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.