In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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