My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
