Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.