so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay