just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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