only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
