After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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