she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
