Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
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Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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