my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
