I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.