Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.