Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
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You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The power of my boobs compel you
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?