Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
