Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
this beer tastes like vomit already
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
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I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
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I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.