Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Found the puke drawer
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van