One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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