I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
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Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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