Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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